Mrs Gillian Duffy

Mrs. Gillian Duffy, pictured here being startled by an Eastern European, is the single most important person who has ever lived. Now, you might say, "Scout" - "you sure are pushing your words here," to which I say - firstly, "since when were you a character from to Kill a Mocking Bird," and secondly "do not suggest in any way that I have a trace of hyperbole, or I'll damn well just CUT MYSELF."

Mrs. Duffy is the woman who has brought down the most evil man who ever lived -a man who ruled over us for a decade giving us public sector investment and overall increases in our quality of life - whether we liked it or not.

Now some of us may say this "Hey, he did okay, but not good enough" or "Maybe we just need a change", but Mrs. Duffy, no. She knows that doesn't go far enough. She saw that this man wasn't a fiscally sound, grumpy man with little or no charisma whose grim face frightens foreign investors and children alike. No. She knows who he really is; King Borowitz of Eastern Europe, determined to bring his hordes of qualified skilled workers to fix her plumbing and build her houses - determined to bring Britain down through skilled manual labour and force it into a second, extremely well maintained, dark age.

Her magnificence, her stature, her ample - very, very ample - bosom are the only thing keeping me and the right wing press going. Without her, this election is lost - and our country is destroyed. Vanquished. Overrun... by the King and his Polish menace.

So to Mrs. Duffy, I say this. Well done, ma'am! The Scout salutes you and all you stand for! In this age without heroes, in this age without gods, in this age without integrity you have given us a hero, a god, a figure to unite behind. God speed, Mrs. Duffy! May we all suckle at the teats of your, milky, ever flowing brilliance.

Rating: 14/10