BlahTherapy

The Scout is a devious beastie and also a rather odious, third person beastie. So he could not resist the chance at having a go on BlahTherapy, the new hope of losers, rejects and suicides on the internet. Livejournal is over, wristslitters! BlahTherapy is here!

So, BlahTherapy works by pitting random strangers against each other in a battle of self pity versus self importance. You choose whether you're a 'listener' or a 'venter' (codeword for bedwetter) and then you either play the role of Messianic, godlike Christ figure or third rate Woody Allen impressionist whose face has been trodden into the dirt by the cruelty of all the world's high school girls. The two of you are thus free to whine or smugly comfort in the solace of your own anonymity.

So, how did you deal with this, Scout, I hear you cry? Were you one of these aforementioned bedwetters? Have no fear, I marched in there with my chest held high determined to give those naysayers a good 'Scout' heave-ho!

But... so quickly I was plunged into crushingly, uncomfortable sadness. One by one, I was assailed by the petty problems of the meek, the feebly, the lonely... long distance relationships gone wrong, best friends torn apart, sick and crippled animals on the verge of death - water torture via mundane miserablism.

BlahTherapy is the saddest thing I have ever had the misfortune to stumble onto on the internet, with the exclusion of that parrot porn and Peter Hitchens', mad, staring face on his Daily Mail Blog. Charles Dickens himself would have cried out at the sheer mind numbing sentimental self flagellation these people force upon themselves and upon me - the poor, self sacrificing listener.

I was forced to pedal platitudes to snivelling little people, huddled in the corners of the internet, who were so desperately lonely that my precious, insincere words were like goldust. "Thankyou," they cried, alongside every size colour and shape of emoticon. If only they were here now - because, as far as I am aware, there is no emoticon for the absolute disgust BlahTherapy has made me feel for the entire of humankind.

Rating: 4/10

(The fours are all for my contribution. It's really a zero)

ADDENDUM: MORONS ALSO FREQUENT THIS BLAHTHERAPY!

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

STRANGER  Hi!

YOU hi!

STRANGER  help me

STRANGER  I kinda rape and kill girls

STRANGER  Underage

YOU Well, who doesn't?

STRANGER  AM I NORMAL?

STRANGER  So i am?

YOU Extremely.

YOU You'd only be abnormal if you weren't raping and killing girls.

YOU I mean, that's what they're for... right?

STRANGER  But i could go to jail .

STRANGER  Yes

STRANGER  Finally someone who understands me .

YOU I understand you and your odd habit of putting a space between the end of your sentence and the period.

YOU I'm an understanding guy.

STRANGER  yes you are guy .

STRANGER  So i don't need to stop?

YOU If anything, you need to do it a bit more.

YOU Women outnumber men in the world, you know.

YOU 52% to 48.

YOU Now that's not fair.

STRANGER  Yes it isn't

STRANGER  Not if i have anything to do with it .

YOU That's good.

YOU I'm very glad for you.

STRANGER  I was not going to rape anymore but since you say it's okay ,i will let you know i've been stocking you .

YOU Stocking me?

STRANGER  I will rape and kill you next..

YOU Like... in a supermarket?

STRANGER  i'll show you want i mean.

STRANGER  People don't seem to be smart with a sock in their mouth.

STRANGER  Do you think you'll be as smart with a sock in you're mouth?

STRANGER  i don't think so .

YOU I'm sure I would be. Socks don't inhibit brain function.

YOU Unless there's something that the media have been keeping from me.

STRANGER  How bout oxygen smart ass ?

YOU Noses have holes in too, you know.

YOU And these holes... they go all the way to the lungs.

YOU Through a passage.

YOU I would have thought someone who killed girls would have a better knowledge of anatomy.

STRANGER  So you're telling me you can breathe through socks ?

STRANGER  I thought smart asses would of know better .

YOU They do. They know that cloth is porous.

STRANGER  You can go explain that to me at you're deathbed okay?

YOU I will indeed explain when, if I think I have grasped you, I am a deathbed.

YOU A hypothetical situation which'll be fascinating for all concerned.

STRANGER  While you're babbling away about nonsense,i should let you know you're out of milk.

YOU I'm quite excited about where you're going to go with this milk thing.

YOU Is it some amazing insult?

STRANGER  No it isn't a amazing insult.

STRANGER  I'm just getting someone before i shove it down you're nOses two holes is all .

STRANGER  some *

STRANGER  I'm sure you survive through that two

STRANGER  Anatomy teacher .

YOU Wow... that really did come from nowhere.

STRANGER  Yeah that's what you're wife said too .

STRANGER  Hope you kissed her goodbye ,because you will never she again .

YOU I'm married now? Wow, this is exciting!

STRANGER  When i say you're wife i mean you're right hand .

YOU I also never will "she" again.

YOU Ooh, burn. I am a right hand.

STRANGER  Nope because you won't have any i's

STRANGER  Oh finger's for that matter .

STRANGER  Which would suck for you .

YOU ths wll be dffcult when eye wrte letters

STRANGER  Seeing as you properly haven't opened you're mouth to talk to someone since you was five .

STRANGER  No more hook on phonics jokes?

STRANGER  Oh to bad .

YOU I submit to your great wit, oh sage.

YOU You saw through my clever phonics jokes. In fact, truly I am a dumb, phonetics loving death bed whose wife who is my right hand (which, confusingly, is also me) shall soon die by your hand but not before you shove 'it' down my 'nOses two holes is all'. Thankyou. Thankyou for setting me straight. Please. Bring your good work to the world. It needs you.

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